I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
