News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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