Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
