new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
