John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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