i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
