You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
