my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
