I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
