I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
