you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
