I'm lost and stupid without you.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
