Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Of course I have a pirate flag
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
