Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
