yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Come on in and take your pants off
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