ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
