he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
