I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
