So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
