I think I won the penis lottery.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
