I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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