my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Please don't give away my fajitas
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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