Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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