One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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