I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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