And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.