My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
