Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
