Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
