I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Of course I have a pirate flag
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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