Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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