If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
zippers are such a cool invention
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Randomize
