You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
