VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
