There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
