now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.