I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize
