listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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