my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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