just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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