I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
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