She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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