The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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