It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
