we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize