You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Randomize
