No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
My penis needs a shock collar
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
