just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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