Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
