I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Randomize
