I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
