when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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