census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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