She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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