My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
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My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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