dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Randomize
