He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I think we might need a safe word for this...
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
